Quick life advice from your lesbian dad Heather Hogan: If someone tells you “I’m a fucking narcissist!!!” and then follows up that statement with a request that you follow them across the country, the answer is: NO. No no no no no! I don’t care if they look like Sara Ramirez. I don’t care if they sing like Sara Ramirez. I don’t care if they’re so good in bed that they make you forget your own name. Don’t chase a narcissist to a second place! (Honestly, don’t look for them in a first place either, but definitely don’t add miles to it!) Miranda Hobbes apparently can’t hear me screaming that – or whatever! – to her because that’s exactly what she decides to do in And just like thatis the Season 1 finale.
See, Hollywood called Che and told them they were the next Roseanne (WHAT) and so Hollywood invited Che to do a pilot. They are very excited, so they threw themselves a going away party/celebration, with even their grandmothers present. There is a group. They perform “California Girls”. Everyone applauds everything that comes out of his mouth, as usual. Miranda is as confused as Che’s family. She keeps asking them what is going on, what is Che singing about, what is a pilot, etc. But these women don’t know either. Miranda wonders, after Che’s performance, if maybe they could have found a minute to maybe send that information to Miranda; they had time to find backup singers, after all. Che says “Blah blah yeah but what if you come with me to LA?”
It’s an automatic yes for Miranda.
Dr. Nya Wallace is disappointed to hear that, not just because she and Andre are taking a little break to see if a baby that doesn’t exist is worth ending their relationship, and so she was hoping to spend some time with. Miranda and her terrible son to reinforce her tough stance on not being a mother, but also because she wrote Miranda a glowing recommendation for an unobtainable internship and Miranda leaves that opportunity behind as well. Carrie also can’t believe that Miranda is giving up on her career dreams – and that she’d rather go sit in an audience and mock Che than come with her to Paris to scatter Big’s ashes – but Miranda keeps going. to shout I’M IN LOVE I’M IN LOVE I’M IN LOVE every time someone tells her she’s completely unrecognizable right now.
I don’t even really know what to say about it, at this point. I think it’s realistic for Miranda to behave like that because sometimes love and lust drive perfectly reasonable people crazy, and Miranda has waited her whole life to realize that she’s queer, and she has been miserable for so long. But that doesn’t make it any easier to watch or any less THE WORST IDEA I’VE EVER HEARD! Miranda doesn’t know it yet, but she’s VERY lucky to have good friends around to pick up the pieces of this MESS when it’s over.
How do I know it’s gonna be a mess? Well, for starters, I still haven’t seen any evidence that these two know a single thing about each other. And there’s the way Che made an entire Broadway play about this one-sided decision they made about their budding relationship. And also because of how they just… ditched their whole podcast and the people co-starring and producing it because “he did what they wanted him to do.” I hope their pilot will be recovered? Do they know how many pilots don’t even see the light of day because that’s almost all of them! Carrie agrees with Che’s decision. She comes out to play the widow card one last time, and anyway, she’s richer than the queen and despite all the clowning I did about her writing career in the original series, she wrote a book full on her deceased husband in less than a year after his death. It is really impressive.
Jackie is less okay with this, and he doesn’t even invite Che to his surprise wedding because of his hurt feelings. He invites Hot Podcast Producer (HPP) Franklin over, though, and he has an idea for Carrie. After lovingly watching her behind glass all season and waiting for her to exhaust her supply of widow cards, he decided she should do her own podcast. It will be a call show like Delilah, only instead of yacht rock love songs, it will be Carrie giving advice. He said, “I mean you’re good at it and you could do the voice of an entire TV show too!” You sound so good to my ears! He wants to be his solo HPP. She’s flattered, really, and a bit shocked to realize that he’s actually a very handsome guy.
But first, she has to figure out what the hell Big is doing in her reading lamp. It keeps turning it on and off in the most annoying ways at the most inconvenient times! She takes it to the lamp store to get it fixed – because it’s in New York, and yes, there are lamp repair shops – and is a bit disappointed to find out that it’s just a thread and not a ghost. But then! Even after it’s fixed! Big keep playing with her! One night she said, “Blink if you can hear me.” And it does not blink. And then, just when she gives up and tries to fall asleep, she blinks. And that’s how she knows he’s Big, because he’s such a kid. Big’s brother invites him to lunch and tells him that for a year he has been thinking about commandeering Big’s ashes and adding them to “the family crypt in Connecticut”. She really doesn’t want that, even if he can “hug Carrie” now that he’s getting divorced.
Finally, after a very pleasant but lackluster date with her widowed teacher boyfriend and her beautiful hair, Carrie decides it’s time to give Big’s ashes the home they deserve. She takes him to Paris to throw him in the Seine, which is surely illegal, but it’s time to move on. She’s wearing the most orange dress with the most pink gloves you’ve ever seen in your life. I don’t know anything about fashion, but everyone on Twitter loves this dress. It looks like a very tasty sherbet, or something one of my Animal Crossing villagers would wear while running around my island doing airplane weapons. Carrie doesn’t do that. She simply walks to her bridge with her diamond-studded Eiffel Tower purse/columbarium, thinks about the original series finale and how Miranda berated her for chasing love through the ocean and prioritized romance over his career, and puts Big to rest.
Then she texts Samantha, who says yes, she would like to meet Carrie for a cocktail party tomorrow night. But offscreen because Samantha now lives in Carrie’s phone like Big lives in her lamp. I hope Miranda returns in a Diet Peach Snapple bottle.
And that leaves us with Rock’s mitzvah, which Charlotte has been planning since Rock was born. Two rabbis have already let them down, so it’s time to call on the biggest character of the entire season: Rabbi Jen (played perfectly by Hari Nef). When she shows up to work with Rock, she quickly realizes that they haven’t studied Torah at all. They’re not ready for their they-mitzvah, and even if they do it in English and try to distract everyone with Anthony’s sourdough challah, it’s going to be a disaster. Charlotte has achieved greater things than this through sheer willpower and smiling like a serial killer, so she insists they move on. Rabbi Jen says that’s fine, but she has a wedding in Bushwick on the same day, so she must have a hard-out at 2 p.m. With that sorted, Anthony takes Rock’s PlayStation controller away and tells them it’s time to learn how to be the star of the show.
Looks like they’re going all the way, full pink suit and pink sneakers on the big day, the whole place dressed like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory – but at the last minute Rock tells Charlotte they won’t want NO Labels. They don’t want to be a girl, a boy, a genderqueer, a Jew; they don’t even want to be New Yorkers. It’s that last thing that really sends Charlotte and Harry to the brink. They both gasp like their ship is glug-glug-glogging underwater and Charlotte almost needs to be born on a passed out couch. Luckily, LTW is there in one of her utterly manic outfits to tell Charlotte that anyone raising a teenager is barely keeping their heads above water and it’ll be fine.
In the end, Charlotte simply takes over for Rock, with Rabbi Jen by her side. (This after Rabbi Jen emerges from a toilet stall while Miranda and Carrie are discussing Che and Paris, and tells them she’s pieced together what’s going on here, based on the contextual clues provided in their screams (and while she understands these are tough things to deal with, Miranda and Carrie must protect their precious bond of friendship! They’re doing what Rabbi Jen says, as we all should.)
And so, Charlotte becomes a woman. And Miranda reddens her hair again and follows Che to Hollywood. And Carrie starts her podcast, which is called Sex and the City, and kisses HPP Franklin in the elevator after the first episode ends.
The funniest thing about watching and recapping this series was seeing the straight guys reacting so strongly to the gay characters – “Miranda” trended most every Friday – while the gay guys mostly tried to figure out where Lisa Todd Wexley got this safari jacket with the arm pocket for her hairbrush. Well, good news! For the bargain price of $1,275 – originally $2,500! — it can be yours. It even comes with the brush.
Thanks for reading these recaps, my friends. It’s been a hoot to come out of the recap retreat, and it’s because of you. You made it so fun. May you find your own HPP, if you’re looking, or the safari jacket of your wildest dreams. You put whatever you want in that arm pocket, baby. You deserve it.